Those Koorvahs

I can't believe 'the rebbitzens served refreshments in the dining room' to those koorvahs! This is how we used to deal with a nafka in my day.

Lucky Charms

After the great clumps of crap that have been thrown at me of late I figured it was time for some good times. My friend Liz recently completed a Masters and created lots of art which involved her risking electrocution by sticking her face in a flat bed scanner with all sorts of dubious substances, pressing 'go' and calling it art. You know, kind of a high brow version of the office Christmas party where someone always photocopies their ass. Well, one of these pieces won the London Paper's self portrait competition and suddenly she's hot to trot with lots of exhibitions coming up and she's all artist du jour a go go. She's as sweet and self deprecating as ever. So, there was a fund raiser on Saturday night to try to help her raise some funds for framing although I fear we may have drunk away all her donations, she shoulda charged for the wine!!! Anyway, I SWORE I was going to win something in the raffle and was larking around suggesting I do the draw so I could fix it. When the time for the draw was upon us Liz called me up and asked me to pull a ticket from the mug, I randomly selected one and passed it to her and then looked on in horror as I realised I had pulled my own number - there was much shouting of 'FIX, FIX' as the throng jostled and laughed and some looked like they meant it!!! I had won third prize which was two really nice sets of miniature prints. The winning ticket for second prize was then drawn which was two limited edition prints. Finally, first prize, the chance to commission Liz to do a one off piece, was pulled; 'Number 110 - That's ...' OH MY GOD! IT WAS ME AGAIN! Well the crowd went bonkers, booing, hissing, shouting 'Put it back' - it was like a night at the bingo where one person had won the full house AND the snowball! These were supposed to be art loving, civilised, middle class lovies and suddenly I was Frankenstein's monster facing the torch carrying masses. I'd had enough liquid fortification by that point to gird my loins and tell them all politely to 'fuck off'. One voice of reason piped up saying, 'He won it fair and square, get over it'. By the end of the evening I had managed to win everyone over as well as two cool prizes! So now I'm thinking that perhaps I need to SWEAR I'm going to win the lottery and who knows...

What the blazes

So, just over a week ago I got home to find the Brazilian maids in a state of hysteria and loving it. They were in the company of a large fireman called Dave who introduced himself and told me that my house had been on fire. I had worked that one out for myself as the place smelled like the 6th November on a council estate and my kitchen looked like Sarajevo. I was pretty shocked and stammered, 'but we've just got the place back in order after a flood last year'. Dave was quick off the mark in suggesting that we were now due pestilence and should prepare ourselves for a plague of locusts. Easy to be a clever fucker when it's not your house on fire, eh Dave?
So, all of my energy has gone into processing the insurance claim as quickly as possible and just today I got the approval. This means I can start the repairs on the charred hole which is my bathroom floor. However, I loved the final tight fisted money grabbing clutch at any straw from the insurers - just as they confirmed they would transfer payment they hesitated and asked, 'is it suspected arson?' Errrrrrrr, what the f.....???!

Oh happy day!

Today someone brought me flowers!